I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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