listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
