So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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