addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
