There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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