Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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