He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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