Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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