Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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