i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
