I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Randomize
