in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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