in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
