i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
