I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
