God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Randomize
