please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
