I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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