We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
