If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
