The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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