If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
