The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
