her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Non-Jews are for practice
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
