He is such a slut. More and more my type.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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