Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
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