when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
