Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
