you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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