The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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