Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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