Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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