I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
