I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
