I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
