I never want to see another naked old woman again.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
