i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
