If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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