You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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