so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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