Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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