I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
