Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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