Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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