when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
