i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
