The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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