I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
