i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
His nipple licking is glorious
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