My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
