I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize