life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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