I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
