I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
