I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
