I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
