i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
