yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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