Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I have feelings that need drinking.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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