did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
barbara walters just said penis...
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
