why didn't you poke me back
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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